Diane Moore

Praising CHARACTER Rather Than Behavior

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 20:26:14 -0800

We spend a lot of time on Parent Talk Radio helping parents nurture the behavior and attitudes they want to encourage and see grow. One of the most powerful ways to grow character in your child is to nurture it by seeing it, calling it out and praising it. Character First put out a list of 10 ways to do this effectively. I've listed those 10 ways with my thoughts.
Praise Character Not Just Achievement - Praising just the achievement does not build anything in a child. In fact, it can create stress for the performance driven child. Praising achievement does not tell the child anything about themselves. The focus is on the task or the outward behavior. Praising character tells a child what you value and what you see in them. Sometimes children do not react positively to praise, this is often because they have learned that praise is only a sneaky way you get them to do what you want them to do. Praising character should be received much more enthusiastically because the character trait is ASSIGNED to the child. "This is what I see in you!" It doesn't leave the child wondering what you want them to do in the future, just that you already see in them.
Look for Actions and Attitudes - You have to look at outward behaviors to find character. The trick is to look beyond the behavior to see the imbedded character trait. For example:

A Child being on time - Punctuality
Sharing - Gentleness
Planning ahead - Orderliness
Following directions - Obedience
Positive attitude - Joyfulness
Completing a difficult task - Thoroughness
Good manners - Deference
Praise Qualities You Want to Develop - Don't praise a character trait you don't really see in your child. Your praise has to be truthful. But if you see your child be indifferent TEN times and see them show compassion ONE time, you can say, "What I saw in you today was a great capacity for compassion".
Schedule Time to Praise - Make a tradition, at Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc. of taking time to verbally acknowledge the character traits you are seeing your child develop. We do this at work in annual or semi annual reviews, why not with our kids?
Praise the Motivation Behind the Work - Look at the attitudes and effort behind the outward behavior before you determine there is character there. It is important that the child match the character you are praising with what is REALLY going on inside themselves. If the child is cleaning their room because they don't want to be embarrassed by someone who is coming over, don't call it obedience or orderliness. It is important to sleuth out the motive. Is the motive for cleaning the room just to avoid embarrassment, or is the goal not to offend the person who will be entering it? If the latter is the case it can be praised as Deference (Deference is - limiting my freedom so I don't offend the tastes of those around me).
Avoid Flattery - people flatter because they want something. Don't praise character because you want something out of your child. (You are SO responsible! Will you take care of the neighbor's cat while they are away?) Praising character is simply telling a child what you see in them. No future expectations or demands are part of the attitude behind your praise. Just admiration of a character trait in them. Flattery cheapens your praise and kids will learn to repel it.
Separate Praise From Correction - Don't make praise a prelude to correction. You are very obedient BUT you were careless with the trash when you took it to the street and it spilled. You are very dependable BUT you need to be more flexible. If you want your praise to truly nurture and grow good character you need to protect its virility. Children will learn to flinch when you begin to praise if it is followed by correction. When correcting a child, deal with the behavior you want to stop. Problems solve it openly and positively when the child is in a cooperative mode. This tells them you are in charge and not afraid to tackle problems. Empty praise before problem solving can communicate that you are afraid of the issues and need to use praise to sneak up to the topic.
Learn the Character Qualities and Definitions - go to characterfirst.com and buy a very inexpensive pocket guide (Character Determines Success). It lists all 49 character traits and their definitions. You can also buy a large poster of all 49 traits as well.
Pass on Praise to Others - Remember, kids learn best when parents MODEL it. When you are praised show the character trait of Gratefulness and graciously accept the complement (Thank you!). Then pass the praise onto others, "I couldn't have done it without . . . "
Communicate in Different Ways - There are many ways to praise a child -

Notes - Some kids get more out praise that is written down. Put 'em in their lunch - under their pillow - taped to their toothbrush. Have fun with it. Model the character trait of Creativity.

Added Responsibilities - Certain character traits earn extra freedom or trust with more responsibility. For example, Self-control. If a child shows he or she has enough self control they can be trusted to stay home alone, own a dog or walk home from school, etc.

Be creative in praising your child's character and have fun!

Intimacy . . . Gotta Have It!

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:17:50 -0700

I once got a call from a parent. She was angry. Her teenage son's teacher had taught "Maslo's Hierarchy of Needs" in school that day. She was livid! "They've just told my son he'll die without sex!"

I asked her how she had responded. She said she'd shown her outrage to her son and planned on going down to the school to have it out with the school administrator.

I always try to find the "opportunity" in every problem. In fact, that's the motto of the show - where "Every Problem is an Opportunity". I told that mom she might have missed a really good opportunity but it wasn't too late. She could still go back and use that event to open up a very important topic with her teenage son . . . And the topic would be: Intimacy!

Maslo's Hierarchy of Needs is basically the idea that there are certain needs that outweigh all other needs. Needs if unmet will result in death! Those needs include - air, water, food and . . . sometimes translated as . . . sex.

I've heard of people dying and even going to the hospital for lack of air. I've heard of people dying, and even going to the hospital for lack of water. I've heard of people dying and even going to the hospital for lack of food. But I've never heard of anyone ever dying . . . or even going to the hospital for not having sex! HOWEVER, I have heard of babies dying without touch. I think Maslo really found something significant we not only need to talk to our kids about . . . we need to make sure they get it in the home! I call it, INTIMACY.

I define intimacy as "knowing and being known". Intimacy in the home means we value knowing what's going on inside of each other, our thoughts, our likes, dislikes, values, hopes, dreams and even hurts and fears. In a home rich with intimacy it is safe to be what I call "emotionally naked". I see a connection between the powerful pull of pornography in some people to the lack of intimacy in their home growing up and sometimes in the home they've created in their adult life. Intimacy is a powerful need that needs to be taken into account as we seek to create an environment for a healthy family.

The graph at the top of this blog is a tool I use for parents who want to make sure they are creating an environment where their child is, "known". It's starts at the bottom with just a general knowing of facts. It is the broad part of the pyramid because we know a broader amount of people in this category. The next level up represents a deeper knowing . . . knowing their likes and dislikes. The third level is a bit deeper; values. The fourth is where it really starts to get personal, goals and dreams. The last is the deepest and also the smallest category as we usually do not have a lot of people we get this deep with; hurts and fears.

Here are some tips for growing deeper in intimacy with your kids . . . especially in the last three categories.

Level 3 - Values. Start with what they care about. A dad called the show last week and wondered how to get closer to his daughter on vacation. The daughter seems to only care about her friends. I told him to start by talking about her friends - learn all about them, then start to ask about what they care about, what they value. There will be opportunities to talk about character - how they treat each other, teachers, outsiders and other family members.

Level 4 - Goals and Dreams. A great question to ask is - "Tell me about your life, you're 35, it's Christmas morning. Tell me about your house, your family, your life. You can dig deeper by asking - how does your spouse treat you? How do you handle disagreements etc. But before you go there have fun with questions like - what are the names of your kids - what color are the walls in your living room, etc.

Level 5 - Hurts and Fears. This is deep territory. There has to be a lot of trust built for a child (especially a teen) to share at this level. When you get to this level realize that there is no armor at this altitude. Put away anything sharp! Especially your words! You are heartbeat to heartbeat when you share at this level. Enjoy drawing close. Don't feel like you need to fix or moralize. You can help them problem solve later. Just sit on the floor with them a bit and rejoice that you have such a rich opportunity for intimacy in your relationship.

Good Reading for Kids this Summer!

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:54:59 -0700

Today on the show my daughter Robyn shared a list of good books worth encouraging kids to read. Here is that list of books and a short sentence or two about that book or series.

EMERGING READERS:
An Elephant and Piggy Books (series) - Mo WIllems
Great books for emerging readers. Repetitive and predictable text. Easily memorizable. Fun and catchy!

Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus (series) - Mo Willems
Book dialogues with the reader. The pigeon is talking to the reader - so it's very engaging. It shows - respect for authority and that bad consequences follow bad decisions (by the way, the pigeon does not drive the bus at the end!).

4TH THROUGH 8TH GRADE:

The Walt Morey Series of books - always teaches kids about an animal. Great if the child is naturally interested in a particular animal like or horses.

The Whipping Boy - Sid Fleischman
A compelling story about a prince who is suffering from D.R.A. (Dirty Rotten Attitude) and his journey to character development.

Miracle on Maple Hill - Virginia Sorenson
Vacation time! It a vacation in book form! The characters get away from suburb life and get away to the country where they learn how life works.

Misty of Chincoteague - Marguerite Henry
A horse book that uplifts honoring authority and coming to peace with with situations that don't go your way. What? You mean it's NOT all about ME? :-)

A Single Shard - Linda Sue Park
This story explores the value of a job well done, creativity and hard work. This book won a Newbery Award. It is very well written.

A Wrinkle in Time - Madeline L'Engles
Fantasy. Depicts an accurate picture of evil and power. It's a GREAT alternative to Harry Potter.

Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis  Although Robyn talked about The Magician's Nephew - all the books in this series are true to life and good for understanding human nature, the dark side of power and respect for authority (just to name a few!).

HAPPY READING!

Movie Review - Up

Tue, 2 Jun 2009 21:15:27 -0700

Pixar has once again shown great respect to the art of telling a story. Although the movie is supposed to be a children's movie I found it profoundly moving. With richly developed characters and a story that resonates with real life it should be equally delightful for people of all ages.

The story starts with the dreams of a young boy named Carl. Carl soon meets an adventurous young girl (Ellie) whom he eventually marries. The first segment of the movie has very few words. It is art! It tells the story of their life - from childhood to old age with all the reality of the joys, losses, disappointments and hopes of life.

Eventually, a much older Carl loses Ellie - the love of his life and he begins to isolate himself and shut out the world. Then a young boy enters the story. Russell has only one badge left to earn for his adventure club. To earn that badge he has to help an elderly person. He has chosen Carl. And so the plot begins. Carl is stuck on fulfilling an old promise he made to his wife even though she is no longer with him. Russell is a boy who has a hole in his heart the shape of a dad. Both of them learn important lessons. Russell learns that although the adventure of life is fun - sometimes the best parts of life are the most boring ones. Carl learns that sometimes dreams change as you work them out. He also learns that it's not the dreams but the journey to the dreams that become the most precious part of life. He also learns that when you accomplish one goal it's important to lasso another one. . . . and the most important goals are with the people you love.

What is Animal Mode?

Wed, 6 May 2009 20:02:26 -0700

If you want to know what Animal Mode sounds like, push the play button:

Animal mode is when the child is not motivated to please you but rather . . . to stir up a little chaos, raise the energy in the room. In other words, the currency they are operating in is not "let's just all get along" but it is "how can I get a little power and control". Your job as a parent is to make sure Animal Mode does not pay! Thus, no energy, no teaching (that comes later) no asking why. Just stop the behavior and keep a peaceful countenance. They need to know they don't have the power to rock your boat. It helps them feel more secure in the long run.

Listen to the show to hear this term put into various situations! Hey - don't just listen - call in!

Ok now HERE is our Christmas Photo!

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:56:32 -0800

So - here is our long awaited Christmas photo. Yup . . . I know it is January 30th. But, the arctic blast we had around Christmas really messed with our plans.

*Sigh*

But it was glorious and we had a wonderful white Christmas we are still fondly remembering . . .

Tom Tom

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 14:26:56 -0800

A little over a year ago I went on a trip to Mexico with a bunch of middle schoolers. One of the other leaders brought with him enough technology so that if he sat in the front seat of the van and spread it all out it looked like he was the captain in the cockpit of a 747. Well maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit but not much! On that trip I got introduced to . . . . the “Tom Tom” - a little GPS navigating system that I found to be quite friendly. I came home from that trip and looked up into the face of my husband and said “Di Di wants a Tom Tom”. We checked it out and found however that Tom Tom’s price was not too friendly at the time.

Well, this Christmas Tom Tom was on sale and my husband bought one for me. I was so excited until I had to figure out how to use the thing! *Sigh*

Eventually however, I clipped that little miracle onto my windshield and began my first journey with the nice little British man I had chosen as my guide. He says things like, “Aftah 400 Yahds - Tun Lehft. Then go onto the motahway”.
 I am now getting the feel of how far 400 “yahds” is but in the beginning I didn’t always respond quick enough. The first time I missed a turn I realized it right way but couldn’t safely turn in time so I kept going. Then I wondered what Tom Tom would do. Would he say, “HEY!!! You missed your turn! Are you deaf!? Now you have to turn around!”

He didn’t say that. In fact, he didn’t say anything.

I kept going forward just to see what he would do next. When he finally spoke he calmly said, “Tun lehft, then tun lehft.” In the silence he had been reconfiguring “how to get there from here”.

I love that thought. It is what I do every day with parents. They come in sometimes knowing they’ve taken the wrong turn or missed an important turn and they feel like I’m going to say, “Why did you do that?! Don’t you know how much that hurts a kid?!!!” But I don’t. I don’t even feel like saying that. I love the idea of GPS’ing exactly where you are and figuring out how to get there from here! You can ALWAYS get there from here!!! It’s not just a beautiful thought. It’s the truth!

PICTURE COMING SOON! Merry Christmas From Us!

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:20:38 -0800

So here we all are! You can’t imagine what an incredible feat it was to get us all smiling and in the same room! (It was nap-time for our granddaughter) But here we are - wishing you a Merry Christmas! This year - we are celebrating by having a relaxing day together. No big meals or messes to clean up after. We start with a waffle breakfast, a “Daddy Table” lunch. (Daddy Table is when my husband goes shopping and gets finger food that everyone loves and spreads it out for people to “graze”. No thought is given to balance or food groups in general. It’s a good thing it happens only twice a year!) We end the day with a “build your own burrito” bar. My birthday is on Christmas day and this year I turn 50 so I’m going to relax and enjoy my family! May you have pockets of bliss with your family as well. Enjoy each other - don’t work too hard and miss it! .