I once got a call from a parent. She was angry. Her teenage son's teacher had taught "Maslo's Hierarchy of Needs" in school that day. She was livid! "They've just told my son he'll die without sex!" 

I asked her how she had responded. She said she'd shown her outrage to her son and planned on going down to the school to have it out with the school administrator.

I always try to find the "opportunity" in every problem. In fact, that's the motto of the show - where "Every Problem is an Opportunity". I told that mom she might have missed a really good opportunity but it wasn't too late. She could still go back and use that event to open up a very important topic with her teenage son . . . And the topic would be: Intimacy!

Maslo's Hierarchy of Needs is basically the idea that there are certain needs that outweigh all other needs. Needs if unmet will result in death! Those needs include - air, water, food and . . . sometimes translated as . . . sex.

I've heard of people dying and even going to the hospital for lack of air. I've heard of people dying, and even going to the hospital for lack of water. I've heard of people dying and even going to the hospital for lack of food. But I've never heard of anyone ever dying . . . or even going to the hospital for not having sex!  HOWEVER, I have heard of babies dying without touch. I think Maslo really found something significant we not only need to talk to our kids about . . . we need to make sure they get it in the home! I call it, INTIMACY.

I define intimacy as "knowing and being known". Intimacy in the home means we value knowing what's going on inside of each other, our thoughts, our likes, dislikes, values, hopes, dreams and even hurts and fears. In a home rich with intimacy it is safe to be what I call "emotionally naked". I see a connection between the powerful pull of pornography in some people to the lack of intimacy in their home growing up and sometimes in the home they've created in their adult life. Intimacy is a powerful need that needs to be taken into account as we seek to create an environment for a healthy family.

The graph at the top of this blog is a tool I use for parents who want to make sure they are creating an environment where their child is, "known". It's starts at the bottom with just a general knowing of facts. It is the broad part of the pyramid because we know a broader amount of people in this category. The next level up represents a deeper knowing . . . knowing their likes and dislikes. The third level is a bit deeper; values. The fourth is where it really starts to get personal, goals and dreams. The last is the deepest and also the smallest category as we usually do not have a lot of people we get this deep with; hurts and fears.

Here are some tips for growing deeper in intimacy with your kids . . . especially in the last three categories.

Level 3 - Values. Start with what they care about. A dad called the show last week and wondered how to get closer to his daughter on vacation. The daughter seems to only care about her friends. I told him to start by talking about her friends - learn all about them, then start to ask about what they  care about, what they value. There will be opportunities to talk about character - how they treat each other, teachers, outsiders and other family members.

Level 4 - Goals and Dreams. A great question to ask is - "Tell me about your life, you're 35, it's Christmas morning. Tell me about your house, your family, your life. You can dig deeper by asking - how does your spouse treat you? How do you handle disagreements etc. But before you go there have fun with questions like - what are the names of your kids - what color are the walls in your living room, etc.

Level 5 - Hurts and Fears. This is deep territory. There has to be a lot of trust built for a child (especially a teen) to share at this level. When you get to this level realize that there is no armor at this altitude. Put away anything sharp! Especially your words! You are heartbeat to heartbeat when you share at this level. Enjoy drawing close. Don't feel like you need to fix or moralize. You can help them problem solve later. Just sit on the floor with them a bit and rejoice that you have such a rich opportunity for intimacy in your relationship.